Autobiography of Mad Man

long overdue...

2008-12-14T22:22:46Z

i feel like i've been falling and the only time i remember breathing is when i stopped.

anywho......livejournal livejournal...you devil.

so i'll be 23 in a month. i now live in the largest music capitol in the world. i've met some of the greatest people in my life. and it's only all just beginning.

christmas is usual a grim time for me, but this winter season is already holding promising. I watched snow fall for the first time. I've already found the best hot chocolate spot. And i slowly but surely discovered my love for scarfs.

i feel so much more alive when it's cold. things just hit the bone a little harder. you know what i mean?

no...well in time i'll explain. the dreams i've made realities and the people that were there to witness.

i'm back.

niggers

2007-06-23T01:09:44Z

livejournal come back to life!!!! i need my friends!!!

under water i woke drowning

2007-05-05T19:26:31Z

Cinco De Mayo!

Irony.

Spent most of my morning underneath the water. Submerged. Felt nice to be somewhere close to home again.

Whats it gonna take for someone to reach out and touch me?

I spin faster and free. Out of control really.

Girl is like a box. Box is like a girl. I'd like to put the girl inside a box. But then she'd just be plain. And that sir will do no good.

You, me and 5 bucks is all we need.

I'd like to take a train ride with you.

I'm miserably in love.

Shes gotta know by now that 1+1 usually never equals 2.

I'm driving it hard, this is love, this is porn.

This hasn't even begun yet.

Open your eyes.

The whole world is waiting on you and you've got 10,000 things to prove. Step up or sit down but believe that either or will never make you feel whole. When is it gonna be your turn? When is it gonna be your life that gets completely flipped upside down? When are you gonna not be so afraid to fight and die for something?

Open your eyes.

God saved metal and my hommies. ROSELINE BABY!

2007-03-06T18:38:34Z

brett,brian and calyn are my hero's

going somewhere but not here

2007-03-04T02:46:02Z

Took a train out to montauk. Don't know why.

Open Your Eyes.

Thinking thoughtful thoughts. I think too much. I drink too much. I want too much. Too much.

She waiting. I know. She doesn't say much. But I know. Maybe your right.

Blah blah blah blah blah. Can't ever think of the right words to say.

So thursday and friday night we lit up the district with horseshoes and handgernades and that eventually killed romeo. Hahahaha. Funny play on words you. You tricky you.

Wreck wreck everybody dies. I've consumed myself with nothing at all lately. Music music. Gotta play music. Wake up. Les Paul. Noon. Musicman bass. After dark sing sing sing till your lungs give out. Gotta go. Gotta go. Where the fuck does everybody go when they have to go?!?!

I know I go. I know where I go. I go everywhere. In. Out. Upside down and right side never up. I gotta see you one last night. Before the lions take their share. Leaving pieces scattered everywhere.

20 dollar cheap thrill. I'm so glad I'm clean. Just thought we should share that for a minute.

Livejournalers. Where are you? Do you sleep? Do you ever write anything anymore? I want to read. I want to learn. I want to go back to school.

Road trip ahead. Come along. The whole worlds waiting on you.

I'm coming. I just hope your ready.

sooo it goes a lil something like....

2007-02-27T04:33:22Z

gotta love the boys in all of their glory.

*note* these pictures would not be this good if it weren't for nemo's ram charger and my jeep.

phil really wondered how z got stuck in the dryer. We'll never know!

she said here i am, here i am

2007-02-27T04:14:54Z

soooooo i've been trying to think of that song for like ooooo a year now and thanks to rae, its back in effect.

I've got whiskey on the table
Reminds me of yesterday
And I've got your pictures on the table
Reminds me of better days

.....so says phil

Viddied a chelloveck give a real ultra-violent tolchock to this young malenky chelloveck. It was real horrorshow like.

Read A Clockwork Orange. It will change your life.

I can't really make sense of anything thats going on in my life right now, but i can't help but feel not stressed out about it at all. Some things you can change. Some things you can't.

I deleted my entire myspace page after 5 years of managing. I've never felt more liberated. Ever.

I had a Slim-N-Trim smoothie this morning and sat in the backyard in the sun. Best day I've had in a long time. I ramble. Please forgive. Its the only way I know how. I find I saw exactly what I mean when I do this.

I miss Ohio. I'm tired of hinting around to that too. I miss Rae and loads of other groovy people I met there. I need to go back. And I will.

Played some bass today with phil in the jam room of my house. I like bass. Think I'm gonna play more. I've also decided that I'm about to blow livejournal up with pictures of tons of real horrorshow things. Hope the world is ready.

FYI: Lyle just handed me a natty light. You can thank Ohio for that.

half jack

2006-12-09T23:20:22Z

half underwater
i'm half my mother's daughter
a fraction's left up to dispute
the whole collection
half off the price they're asking
in the halfway house of ill repute

half accidental
half pain full instrumental
i have a lot to think about
you think they're joking?
you have to go provoke him...
i guess it's high time you found out

it's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong
you'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too
long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back
i'm half jill
and half jack

two halves are equal
a cross between two evils
it's not an enviable lot
but if you listen
you'll learn to hear the difference
between the halfs and the half nots

and when i let him in i feel my stitches getting sicker
i try to wash him out but like she said:the blood is thicker
i see my mother in my face
but only when i travel
i run as fast as i can run
but
jack comes tumbling after....

and when i'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
and i'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
on 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact:
i'm half jill
and half jack

i'm halfway home now
half hoping
for a showdown
cause i'm not big enough to house this crowd
it might destroy me
but i'd sacrifice my body
if it meant i'd get the jack part OUT

see

jack

run.....

it all happenin

2006-11-22T02:22:44Z

shake it down. shake it every which way you can until you don't feel anything. Holidays suck. Old love right around the corner. Go ahead. Bite hard. Make it bleed.

I can't feel anything but you anymore.

I don't think I'd want to feel anything else right now.

Yea, its gonna hurt. Come on. Take a walk on the wild side.

I'm hoping things aren't any different. I hope everything is exactly the same.

stop the fuckin car

2006-11-16T17:37:48Z

Don't be alarmed, I feel we're falling back to ground.
Don't be afraid, I hear in every word they say,
That even if you don't look back, be sure to find out who was there,
And what they wore, and ten more reasons.
Don't be alarmed, I feel we're falling back to ground

Your face is light and cocaine white.
Your face is light and cocaine white.

Misleading at most, I'm supposed to imposter a new you (imposter a new you).
And even if you're woken up, keep contact both at once.
We've made mistakes like this.
And I'm just learning.
And I'm just learning.
Your face is white in spinning lights.

Spinning lights, don't be scared.
You have given so much more
Spinning lights, take me there.
He has risen, pull me under.

Don't stop talking to me, I haven't been listening.
Don't stop talking to me, I haven't been listening.
This operation's been abandoned once again.
This operation's been abandoned once again.

Cut me gently, cut me out of mind.
Cut me gently, cut me out...
Cut me gently, cut me out of mind.
Cut me gently, cut me out of mind.

Spinning lights, don't be scared.
You have given so much more
Spinning lights, take me there.
He has risen, pull me under.

Don't stop talking to me, I haven't been listening.
Don't stop talking to me, I haven't been listening.
This operation's been abandoned once again.
This operation's been abandoned once again.

Cut me gently, cut me out...
Cut me gently, cut me out of mind.

picture time

2006-09-30T01:07:17Z

got my hair cut into a mohawk.....badassssssss

blah blah blah....wish i felt better

yea

2006-09-27T17:01:36Z

I seriously hate the person you've become. This lack luster void of a person.

And I remember every word you said

Come back here time, come back

The words "always," and "forever," don't mean shit. Don't let people tell you those words.

And the thing is, I'm not really mad at all. This isn't an entry of angst. I guess I'm just disappointed. I thought you'd be different. Even after two years.

I just thought that i'd still see in the world in you and not behind you.

Oh well. Only the good die young.

Here's a hold in the earth.

back to the deftones

Its a beautiful day

2006-09-21T16:27:46Z

And nigger cold in Louisiana. Nah, not really. It feels soooooo good outside. Makes me wanna put on a ninja turtles outfit and dance. No really, I will.

Going to Mississippi this weekend. Just thought you'd all want to know. I'm fixing to shove size 0 plugs into my ears. O the pain. I like it.

Sooooo bored. Almost over my jew cold. Man it's been a rough past couple of days or week should I say. Just broke my fever. 103 aint no punk ya know. Calyns dogs are going ape shit right now.

Lauren are I are totally obsessed with Dane Cook. It should be illegal. NAH!

I've already started a countdown until the TOUR!!!!!

No really, I have.

I've also realized how much I hate my livejournal layout. Pink and black? Are you serious? Yikes.

I'm going canoeing this weekend. Probably totally mispelled that. I don't care.

Last time I went canoeing bad things happened and i wasn't able to laugh at myself about it until weeks had passed. HAHAHAHAHA funny times.

sunday bloody sunday

2006-09-17T21:14:59Z

Dinzer is sick. Dinzer is sick. Dinzer is sick.

Ok...so I'm sick. I'd like nothing more than to rip my nose off right now and feed it to montauk. I'm sure he'd enjoy it. I decided since i was bored to take pictures of my tattoo. Yes, I'm a loser.

this is how it started....sick little dinzer

found it funny that the picture snapped while i was scratchin my head and not after

nasty weather here in good ole louisiana. nasty noses to go around. i'm thinking about starting a book club. Nah....bad idea. I miss school. I want to be back in a classroom. I'm a nigger. I need to change that.

by the by

2006-09-15T18:40:28Z

Needed to share with you how the night went.

mad niggerish

Nigger Jew

2006-09-15T18:01:24Z

Nigger Jew. Sorry. Had to say it.

Livejournal's new layout makes me want to do the hustle.

Got a new tattoo. Alis Volat Propriis.

I like it.

I hate when people don't return my phone calls.

The new Bjork cd is fucking bad ass.

The new Bright Eyes cd is better.

Lauren did a good thing by buying them both so I could steal them and upload songs onto my groovy phone.

My mom calls me everyday. Thank god for speakerphone. I'm talking to her now and typing. She has no idea. Makes me laugh.

I also got a double tongue ring. Sore every morning.

I have a white kitten named caesar. He's very odd. He likes to make out with everyone. Lauren imparticular. I have video footage of that. I should post it.

"Come on lets find a cure, come on let's die until we live."

Can't wait until Flickerstick comes back!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Uhhh... I mean..kickass band.

Lindsay
OUT

I know your hips are bad

2006-08-30T17:06:19Z

Eventfull past couple of months. Arrests. Beach. New work. Old work. New love. Old love. You get the picture. Sit down and stand up. You've got no explaining to do little lady. First show this friday. I can't be anything but excited. Meriwether, American Tradegy, Light uo District. Pretty soon that last name will be first. This I know. I don't think I've ever been a part of something greater. I don't think I've ever wanted to.

My bones ache but I care not. I pick the girl up. It's my job. It pays well. I've always thought. You gotta ache baby. You gotta bleed a little to know your still alive. I can manage that I suppose. Pretty soon, billboards, blinding lights and screaming audiences. Backstage pass to something the world isn't quiet ready for. I'm ready. I've been waiting such a long time. It feels like summer never ends. No hurricane's gonna stop this force.

I gotta fever to tell and about 20 books to write. Best sellers.

You too were once a nut, just like me

2006-07-14T17:31:49Z

So I was sifting through some old messages on myspace. Funny how I couldn't remember much of anything until I read half of those messages. Some were trivial, some were profound. I came across two that I saved where Christine basically ripped me a new asshole. I needed it I suppose. Tragic how transparent I was.

There was a time when I was happy. I have messages from our love affair saved since december. We were happy then. Things are on the rise I suppose. At least they feel like they are. I've recently moved in with Lauren and Avon. I'm getting a raise at work and I actually like my job. I'm working harder than ever and probably sober than ever as well.

Stay sober, she signs her last message to me.

And I did.

I've lost my sense of self. Wouldn't be the first time. But for the first time I feel as if I've finally found the right path. I miss the girl. I fuck the girl only to feel close to God. That's wrong. I'm aware. I know exactly what she uses me for and yet I still submit. I can't help but to feel like I'm only worth that. Well, I use to feel that way.

People throw the word "love" around far too much. Why is your love so much different than mine? Why does with my love come respect and with your love comes unbearable pain and hollow sex? I don't know. We're all fucking for fighting and fighting to fuck. I'm praying that with age comes wisdom. I'll embrace my naive notions and long drives that waste gas for a cause not worth knowing.

great golden baby

2006-07-13T03:58:44Z

Make your move, obvious humor,
desperate and respiratory plight.
Always on, dressed to impress,
I'll be the last one to find out why.

Time takes its toll on us (this changes everything).
I'd be a liar if I denied you at all.
Oh, now that I know,
This changes everything.

I've been trading ideas with intriguing men, and I...
I perceive an honest solution to all of your plight

Time takes its toll on us (this changes everything).
I'd be a liar if I denied you at all.
Oh, now that I know,
This changes everything.
Oh, now that I know...
Oh, now that I know...

And the amplifier screams out loud for the last time.
Wave your hands at the audience as you sink on in.
First chance to hide, you need desperately so, find me, so.

Motion gives up on you in the end.
I'll try my best to be home by then.
You'll see the grace we had,
She'll never have,
You'll never have.

I'm going home but my own way.
I'm going home by my own...
I'm going home but my own way.
I'm going home by my own..

I would really love if you'd sit him down.
I would really love if you'd sit him down.
I would really love if you'd pull this thread.
I would really love if you'd pull this thread.
I would really love if you'd sit him down.
I would really love if you'd sit him down.
I would really love if you'd pull this thread
I would really love if you'd pull this thread

Love is a battlefield....

2006-07-12T06:47:00Z

Been over this. Been over this before. So over this. Been over this before.

I'm done.

I hope you feel this.

I can't help but wonder why my eyes burn...

2006-07-09T05:50:52Z

Maybe it's because my contacts are dry. Maybe it's from the pot I smoked. Maybe it's this cigarette. Maybe it's because I'm tired and I can't sleep.

I've been here all day. I've wasted the day away with Lauren and Avon.

I haven't done that it years it feels like.

I worry less. I stand taller. I feel stronger.

Maybe this will lead to something productive.

Do you ever remember a kiss?

Sure. We kiss a lot of people. But do you ever stop a remember one certain kiss?

I do.

I have consumed way too much wine this evening.

I'm struggling to be gramatically correct.

I hope this is working.

I don't know why I'm typing one sentence at a time.

My heart races at the thought of what's to come. New York in 3 months. Ohio in less. Ok let's get back to New York. I remember being 9 or 1o and dreaming about New York. Broadway. Lights, camera, activate all brain cells for as long as you possibly can.

I'm drunk. And I must go a cater to Lauren's needs.

I miss you. I just thought you should know.

moms gonna fix it all soon....

2006-06-22T19:31:23Z

moms gonna come around and put it back the way it ought to be.

So I've been listening to Tool as if I've needed some form of temporary therapy. Actually. I have. I cannot seem to sift through time and try and remember if I've ever felt this angry. I can't quiet seem to put my finger on it. Through it. Around some sort of reasoning as to why I am the way I am.

Started a new job. Can't seem to sleep. I find myself joining the insomniac party at around 4:30 in the morning. Seated at the left hand of the father is this child that I cannot even begin to recognize. I do so long to be in her presence again. Watch the girl wither and die. I've had to force myself to cry a few times. There's gotta be something wrong with that.

What are we waiting for?

A certain shade of green or another other color that symbolizes tranquility. Am I really at one with myself? With the rest of the world? Not such a metaphor now eh?

You wish you could be inside of me. I know you do. I hear it. Lack of conviction. You like it this way.

I'm plagued. I've said this time and time again. I know. I know you know.

I know that nothing seems to strike the heart as close as Tegan and Sara at 3 o'clock in the morning. I've found myself sitting on the edge of the water at the marina trying to piece together the last 6 months of my life. I should be happy. I should want what I have. I should be excited for what I've become, but I'm not.

I keep picturing myself in Athens or Dayton. Breathing. Feeling afraid but not alone. How the river always ran cold. This fake tan won't cover that scar. I know that for sure.

Nevertheless, I'm there for the girl. For the damsel in distress. How badly I want to say that karma is a bitch and that things won't work out for you. But they will. They always do to good people.

I've been thinking of changing my name.

A new ring.

A new something.

fucker

2006-06-13T01:51:59Z

your a goddamn liar.

and by friday.

everyone will know.

So the other day I was walking....

2006-05-25T20:33:10Z

And I thought to myself.....What am I REALLY doing here?

By here I mean within the walls of my most-of-the time meaningless existance.

What exactly am I doing?

Before I graduated high school, I pretty much had it all figured out. I knew what I wanted to do. I knew what I was good at. It seems as if all the thing I thought I knew, I didn't really know at all.

I often times find myself in a mind-state of, "I wish I knew then, what I know now."

I never wanted to live like that.

I'm not in school. I've forgotten everything I've pretty much ever learned. And I have yet to sustain a long lasting relationship.

So really, What am I doing here?

Don't get me wrong. This isn't some pathetic suicidial threat of any sort. Yet more of a thought provoking question to the rest of the masses.

What are we all doing here?

What actually lies beneath our feet and our dreams?

If we saw the wrong turns before we made them, would we still take the road more traveled?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions.

Maybe one of you do.

So much for the afterglow

2006-05-08T23:38:05Z

Your lungs have failed and they both stopped breathing
My heart is dead and its way past beating
Something has gone terribly wrong
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this
I never thought we'd make it out alive
I never told you but its all in your goodbyes
It's all in your goodbyes

You said and I quote, " Your the only one that can make my world crumble."

Get ready for an earthquake baby.

Shake. Rattle. And Roll.

Well look who's dying now
Slit wristless sleeping with the girl next door
I always knew you were such a sucker for that
It doesnt matter what you say
You never mattered anyway
Never mattered anyway

You'll go down in history. And so will I. Right beside you. Heavy hearted. For fucking your world up.

Just as you fucked my heart.

In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It's all over
It's all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes

Don't shake, I hate to see you tremble
Trembling you've lost your touch
Haven't you run so addicted

I'll make you hate me. As I have come to hate you.